Today I'm making the decision to let go of Vikki, I'm never going to stop loving her or caring about her but I need to stop torturing myself and be happy with the memories of us together instead of focusing on the pain of not having her in my life. I know she's happy, I know she's doing okay and most importantly I know she doesn't want me as a lover, as a friend or even in her life at all.
Friday was so hard for me, everything came crashing down and I caved, I cried all day I couldn't control my feelings anymore, I was sobbing non stop, I just wanted to escape all the pain , I wanted to end it all, I felt trapped and desperate. I emailed Vikki asking if I could go and stay with her, she point blank said no and truth be told, it fucking hurt, like a knife through my heart getting twisted and turned, anxiety hit hard, like hands around my neck squeezing the life out of me, I searched for something to help me release the pain but nothing I found would cut my skin so eventually I gave up feeling like a failure, a failure of life and a failure of death.. I made my self a nest in my bed and shut myself away from the world and cried until I feel asleep.
Saturday, I felt much better but maybe a bit angry with everyone because once again nobody was there when I needed them the most, my family could hear my sobs but nobody came to ask if I was alright or to comfort me, is it normal these days to just turn your back on people in need or has society became so fucked up that you get called selfish or attention seeking if you ask for help? no wonder there's so many people that commit suicide, they know that even if they ask 9 times out of 10 nobody will come or they'll get told so stop being dramatic and selfish. in my world if you know you might be able to save somebody's life by talking to them or just being a friend and being there, you do It without hesitation especially if your supposed to care and love that person, why make them feel so alone that they have to seek help from strangers or end there life. I was strong this time and I didn't seek help from anyone else even though the people that are supposed to love me turned there backs on me and in the past I would have been weak and rang up a friend I hadn't seen or spoke to in years just because I needed someone to talk me out of hurting myself. I'm always the person helping people when there down, giving advice, lending an ear but who's there for me? NOBODY!
Today, I woke up feeling happy, the sun was shining and my head felt much clearer then I made a big mistake, I got caught up in my good mood and thought it would be a good idea to ask Vikki if she wanted to go for a walk since the weather was good but she's declined and started throwing digs at me about the past but I was strong, I told her I wouldn't ask again and hope she had a nice day, yeah in reality my heart broke and tears filled my eyes but what the point in trying anymore, she's moved on, she's happy without me, she's certainly not holding back and she's proved she doesn't care or have any feelings for me so why am I still totally hung up on her, why cant I move on and not care? well today I think I'm gonna have to do just that.