Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Thearpy session 1 and What i learned today

Today has been quite productive, I got up, got ready and seen my therapist, we agreed to 16 weekly sessions of CAT (cognitive analytic therapy) based on relationships with other people and more importantly my relationship with myself, this therapy is aimed at helping me love myself and coming to terms with fact that no matter how much I love someone I'm not always gonna get the same kind of love back, we are only responsible for our own actions. my therapist  told me that she thinks I love too much and I've spent my whole life trying to protect people and there feelings that I forgot to protect my own, she also explained that I cant stop Vikki telling lies about me or thinking the worst but I can choose to ignore it, I can choose to let her live her life the way she wants because I know the people that matter to me know the truth and just because I kept a secret for 15 years does not make me a liar and just because I spoke to my friends in times of need does not make me a cheater, mistakes you've made do not define you they are purely made so we can learn from them. cheating is sexual and romantic, friendship is not cheating, someone talking you out of suicide is not cheating, getting your photo took is not cheating. my therapist made a brilliant point she made me think about things that never made sense before, Vikki is accusing me of the things she's done, she's moved on and replaced me so to make her self feel better she convinces herself I've done the same, all the times she cheated on me, she made up situations in which I had done the same to justify her own actions the difference is she had no proof or evidence so she filled in the blanks and concocted her own version of events to which she spread around so people would believe her without the rumour directly coming from her, a liar needs validation so they will tell anybody that they think will listen to them and will write about it which convinces them even more that there own lie is the truth, there's also victim blaming, where you take a situation and twist it so the victim looks like the perpetrator, like what she done with my abuse by saying "maybe they were experimenting" or the phase "sleeping with your brother for 10 years" and in argument she has actually said " well at least I didn't shag my brother" and then the Steven situation, she tried to blame me for not loving her properly told me I should love her like he did, theres lots more examples but there the main ones, vikki lies to be the victim she like people feeling sorry for her, she likes to be the abused party because that's all shes ever known but she done it to the wrong person this time.

The sad thing about all this is, I don't hate Vikki in fact I'm still very much in love with her and I know I would take her back despite everything, now why would I do that if I could have someone else, someone more normal?, why would my whole life revolve around Vikki?, why would I sit here writing about her day after day, she not doing the same for me in fact she's doing the opposite, she blocked my accounts so she doesn't feel guilty, so she cant see how much I'm hurting and so can continue to believe her own lies because in her eyes there's no proof so she can believe what she wants but people will see the truth and people will realise what she's actually like. I stay in the house 24/7 I have depression and anxiety, I left her home because I needed looked after, I have no friends, I have no Facebook, the only people I see is my mum, my sisters, my step dad and my best friend, I don't watch TV, the only social media I have is this blog, google+ and Pinterest and there all publically visible, there's no secret messages or secret meetings, I don't go anywhere or doing anything so there certainly nobody else there's no opportunity or motive, Vikki on the other hand goes to college, talks to anybody and everybody, goes out daily, sends private messages to people, has a million opportunity's to meet someone else and even has the motive of "well you done it first" but yet she still accuses me of being the cheat and the one that's moved on and replaced her, the only person I could ever replace her with is my fucking dog because that's the only person who gets in my bed. I hope she's happy in whatever she's doing and I hope she gets help for her mental health and achieves everything she wants and as painful as it is to say but I really hope she finds love, real love that makes her want to be a better person, the same kind of love I had for her, Vikki changed me and I'm a better person now than I ever was and for the first time time time in 18 years I'm ready to fight for my life back, I'm ready to be what I was supposed to be, I'm ready to just be me, I hope she manages to fight her demons and become what I know she is capable of.

I'll always love you Vikki and I'll never forget you.
todays the day I take a leaf out of your book and get my life back
I wanna learn to be happy just like you are
I wanna to forget all my feeling for you just like you have for me
I want to be proud of myself just like I am of you
I'm gonna prove that I am a good person and your lies wont work.
goodbye and god bless m one true love.

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